...my 'real' mommy.

Alaina was welcomed into our arms at 13 months old on May 23, 2004. We've always talked about the day we got her and our special trip to China to bring her home.

We've always talked about her nanny and she loves looking at her pictures. Since Alaina was two years old, she has talked about visiting her someday.
One night, when she was two years old, she realized she wasn't in my tummy before she was born. So we talked about her "special lady" and how this special woman carried her in her tummy for 9 months.

We talked about how this special woman must have loved her enough to make sure she was in a safe place so we could go to China and bring her home.

Then, one day not too long ago, at the age of 7 years old, she told Alexis that I was not her 'real' mommy. I was not expecting those words until she was a confused teenager. :)

She said the special lady that carried her in her tummy, was her 'real' mommy. Alexis immediately, said, "So, is Mommy your fake mommy?"

She came into the bathroom so I could brush her hair and we talked. I asked her if Daddy was her 'real' daddy. She said, "My real mommy could be single. I don't know if she was married or not." Joel kind of grinned and I said to her, "Alaina, no matter what, you have a biological mommy and a biological daddy."
Then we talked about how China has the one child policy and most parents need and want to keep their boys. They need to keep their boys to help them with their farm and work. It's very important in China to have a son to carry on the family name.

I told her that I didn't know why they couldn't keep her but it could have been because of the One Child Policy or maybe her parents didn't have enough money to feed her.

I told her that I didn't know why but they loved her enough to leave her in a safe place so she could be found and someone could take care of her.

Alaina carried this burden with her for several weeks. She knows she is loved. She has memorized her story and cherishes the pictures we have. She is proud to be Chinese. She is proud to have 5 brothers and a sister. She is especially proud of her little brothers. She loves them just because.

Several days had gone by and Alaina had not talked about it. She sat beside me one evening at the table while we were eating and she began to cry. She wanted to know why her "parents" didn't keep her. Then, she said something that broke my heart. "I want to live with my 'real' parents in China," she cried.

I told her that her life would be very different if she lived in China right now. She would be speaking Chinese and eating rice instead of the pizza that was on her plate in front of her. Joel joined in and told her that she would be eating rice every meal. We then told her that if she lived in China right now, she might not ever hear the name of Jesus. I hugged her while she cried and wiped her tears.
I think I was most surprised at my own feelings. I was hurt. I almost got defensive. I told her that a 'real' mommy is the one who wipes your bottom the most. :) But I knew I couldn't react that way. I knew that her words were from a grieving heart. I knew she needed to grieve and trust the Lord in her own timing.

One night, several days later, while getting ready for bed, she again started crying and wondering 'why.' As I began to pray, God gave me words that began the healing process.

I told her, "It doesn't matter why. We have to trust that God has a wonderful plan for your life."

At her level of understanding, I shared this:

With all our hearts, we believe God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful. He is the beginning and the end. The Creator of the Universe. Before the creation of the world, HE knew Alaina. He knew her life. He knew she would be in our family. He also knew her heartaches. He knew she would be abandoned at birth. He knew that her biological mother would have to make a choice to release her.

I told her that God was always with her, taking care of her and protecting her before we brought her home. He knew she would soon be in our family, learning about Jesus and learning how to follow Him.

I mentioned that if she were not in our family, we would probably not have Hudson and Benjamin. And 20 of her little Chinese friends might not be with their mommy and daddy if their parents had not met her. I reminded her that God is already using her for his purpose...and that because of her, lots of other little babies have the love of a mommy and daddy now.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Oh how I wish I could remember her exact response but it was something like this:

"I get it now. You are my real mommy because God knew I would be in my family. He wanted me to grow up in my family for Him."

It's been several weeks now and I think her heart is healing. I'm sure she will continue to have questions and wonder about what her life would be like if she were still in China. But, I think she realizes that God has a wonderful plan for her life. God put on my heart to help her be confident in Him. Believing in his sovereignty and His amazing love for her, has given her peace, a peace that can only come from knowing Him.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.